Overcoming Depression Quick guides

This is from the wonderful book Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert

“Identifying your thinking style

To identify your threat- and loss-focused thinking style, pay attention to your feelings (see Chapters 9

and 10). Then ask yourself:

What is/was going through my mind?

What is / might be my underlying threat – may there be fear or sense of loss here?

What am I thinking about me?

What kind of judgements am I making about myself?

What judgements or assumptions am I making about other people?

What am I thinking about my future?

The way you think about things can affect the way you feel. Below is a summary of some typical

ways of thinking that can worsen depression. This is a brief summary of what was discussed in

Chapter 10. If you can learn to spot these styles of thinking in yourself, it can be a helpful first step to

pulling back from them, taking the view from the balcony, and trying to bring balance to one’s thinking

We all use these styles of thinking from time to time; no one is 100 per cent logical or compassionate

all the time. But in depression they are taken to extremes.

Jumping to conclusions. This involves the tendency to make decisions rapidly, especially when

under stress. For example, you might jump to the conclusion that someone does not like you

because they ignore you. You may predict the future, e.g., that nothing you do will work out.

Jumping to conclusions means that you don’t look at the evidence. Instead, you go for immediate

gut reactions and assume these to be true.

Emotional reasoning. This involves an over-reliance on feeling to guide judgements, for

example, ‘I feel this is dangerous, therefore it is’, or ’I feel I am stupid therefore I am’, or ‘I feel

unlovable or unattractive therefore I am’. You assume that negative feelings reflect the way

things actually are: ‘I feel it, so it must be true’. Feelings are often poor guides to reality. The

‘power’ of feelings comes from our more primitive brains having more control than is often

good for us. Remember to test out feelings: look for alternatives and explore the evidence for

and the evidence against. Does it pass the friend test – is it something you’d be happy to say to a

friend?

All-or-nothing thinking. This is also called ‘black-and-white’ or ‘polarized’ thinking. We see

things in ‘either/or’ categories. If our performance falls short of what we wanted, we see it or

even ourselves as a total failure. We may think: ‘Either X loves me or s/he doesn’t’, or ‘Either I

succeed or I fail’. However, life is full of indeterminate areas. Love is not either/or; there are

degrees of love. Success is not either/or; there are degrees of success. It is more useful to think

of the degree of success rather than the degree of failure. It is always worth thinking if there is a

sense of threat, fear or loss that might be driving this all-or-nothing thinking. If so, consider some

of the ideas I have offered to become compassionate to your fears and balanced in your thinking.

Overgeneralizing. This is when we take a single negative event and see it as a never-ending

pattern of defeat. Here, one swallow does make a summer. We may think that things can never

change, or that one failure means that everything one has done was a failure or faked. Think back

and ponder if you tend to think like this and it turns out to be wrong. Is this style of thinking

linked to your frustration or fear? If so, consider some of the ideas I have offered to become

compassionate to your fears and balanced in your thinking.

‘I must’. These thoughts involve feelings of being compelled to do something. ‘I must be in a

relationship to be happy; I must achieve things to be a worthwhile person; I must never be

criticized; I must never fail.’ Turn musts into preferences, for example, ‘I would like to do this,

but if I can’t then it does not mean that I am a no-good person or that I can’t be happy.’ The

typical helpful thing here is to learn to accept feelings as they are. We can turn ‘musts’ into

preferences. It’s not quite as good as turning water into wine, but it helps.

Emotional tolerance. Telling ourselves that our emotions are intolerable and we must get rid of

them is usually a recipe for problems. We have emotions because our brain is designed to create

them in us – and pretty powerful they can be, too. The key here is to be mindful and to observe

them (watch your evolved brain at work) then engage in compassion for them and for you going

through them. Consider how you can be like the rock when the wind blows, you are solid – how

might you develop this ability? Look out for threat-focused thinking related to your emotions;

desire to be able to tolerate emotions (see pages 208–13).

Discounting and disbelieving the positives. This involves the tendency to ignore or dismiss

positive attributes, events or achievements. You either take them for granted or think ‘anyone

could do that’. When you disqualify the positives it is difficult to get started on the way up.

Focus on what you can do rather than on what you can’t. Usually we are frightened to trust in the

positives, so it is worth thinking about your fear of the positives and then practise compassion

for the fear – see your ‘fear of the positives’ self in front of you and be compassionate to it –

balance your ‘thoughts’ – try allowing a bit of positive, and build up.

Discounting and disbelieving others. This involves things like thinking that other people’s

(good) opinions of you don’t count. You think that either they don’t really know you or you have

kept things hidden and deceived them. At other times you may think that others only say positive

things to be nice; they don’t, in their hearts, really mean it. This often involves a loss of trust.

Think about if this is a bit of black-and-white thinking – maybe they know you a bit and like that

bit?

Amplifying the negatives. When we’re depressed it is all too easy to dwell on negatives and

difficulties. They take on more importance and we are very attentive to possible rejections, putdowns or failures. We can easily lose perspective by amplifying negatives and dwelling on

them. Regain perspective by generating alternatives. Keep in mind this is not your fault because

it is how your evolved brain and threat self-protection systems are designed to think in terms of

‘better safe than sorry’ and ‘assume the worse’. Therefore we need the balance of our rational

and compassionate self.

Recognizing your self-attacking thoughts and styles

Self-criticism. This is when part of us becomes like an observer and a judge. We’re constantly

passing negative judge ments on ourselves, as if a critical parent were sitting on our shoulder.

We’re more focused on what we do wrong or badly, rather than on what we do well. Practise the

art of compassionate self-correction (see Chapter 13).

Personalization and self-blaming. This involves the automatic tendency to assume that we are

in the wrong or are responsible for negative events. We may not look at the evidence or consider

alternatives, or reflect that most things are caused by a number of different factors (see Chapter

13).

Self-labelling. This involves ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking about yourself as a person. If your

behavior fails, you think you are a failure, unlovable or inadequate, etc. In depression this type

of thinking involves blaming and name-calling (e.g., I am useless, inadequate, weak, a nuisance,

a fake, worthless, bad, etc.). Refocus on taking a broad perspective and compassionate

alternatives.

It–me. This involves the tendency to judge ourselves rather than our behavior. We think that only

our behavior matters; if that is not good, then we are no good. But behavior and self are quite

different. A self is a conscious, feeling being, with hopes, desires and wishes. A behavior is just

a behavior, that may or may not be disappointing. The trick here is learn to see that the emotions

of frustration might confuse you into believing you are the label.

Self-attacking. This involves a degree of anger and hostility directed at yourself. It is more than

being critical – after all, not all criticism involves hostility, but in self-attacking one is hostile

with oneself. Sometimes this part is frightened that if it doesn’t criticize then you won’t achieve

anything. It is really fear-based. If we see that, then we can change our feelings about it. We can

be compassionate to the fear. You can teach it compassionate self-improvement (see Chapter

13). Rather than dispute or argue with your self-criticism (although you can if it helps you, of

course), engage your compassionate self and feel it expanding in you – in a way you are

becoming bigger than the self-critical part (because it is only a part of you). Then feel

compassion for it. If it shrinks, note that it’s grateful to be released from critiquing. If nothing

happens, or it seems to grow too much for you, then let the image fade and pull back to

compassionate self-focusing, until you have stabilized again and are ready to have another go.

Self-hatred. This is an extreme form of self-attacking. It is more than just anger with the self and

often involves judgements and feelings of being bad, evil or disgusting. Unlike self-criticism,

which aims to improve through punishment, self-hatred can be about wanting to destroy and get

rid of the self. Rather than dispute or argue with your self-hatred (although you can if it helps

you, of course), engage your compassionate self and feel it expanding in you – in a way, you are

becoming bigger than the self-hatred part (because it is only a part of you). Feel compassion for

it. If it shrinks, note that it’s grateful to be released from hatred. If nothing happens or it seems to

grow too much for you, then just let the image fade and pull back to just compassionate selffocusing – until you have stabilized again and are ready to have another go. In this was you are

slowly desensitizing yourself to your self-hatred.

Social comparison. Although we all compare ourselves to other people, try to become more

aware of when you do it. Check out how your mood changes and ask yourself if the social

comparison is valid. Does it help you? Are you engaging in envious thoughts? Do such thoughts

help you? Explore some compassionate ways to balance it.

Once you have identified your depressing thoughts, consider that you are now going to come at

them with compassionate attention, thinking, behaviour and feelings. Have a look at some of the

worked examples in Chapter 9. Remember, too, they have to pass the friend test: would you

recommend them to someone you care for or a child you love?”

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More Overcoming Depression Quick Guides

Here’s a set of Overcoming Depression Quick Guides — short, easy-to-use references you can keep on your phone, in a notebook, or even posted on a wall. They’re meant to be fast reminders when you’re feeling low.

Quick Guide 1: Grounding in the Moment

  • Breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 6.

  • Notice: 5 things you see, 4 touch, 3 hear, 2 smell, 1 taste.

  • Say to yourself: “I am here. This moment will pass.”

Quick Guide 2: Basic Needs Check

  • Have I eaten something nourishing?

  • Have I had enough water?

  • Did I rest or sleep recently?

  • Have I moved my body today, even gently?

Quick Guide 3: Connection

  • Text or call one safe person.

  • If speaking feels too hard → send a simple “thinking of you” or emoji.

  • If no one’s available, consider a support line (U.S. 988, or worldwide: iasp.info).

Quick Guide 4: Thought Reframe

  • Ask: “Is this thought 100% true?”

  • What would I say if a friend felt this way?

  • Replace extremes with softer, balanced language.

Quick Guide 5: Tiny Wins

  • Break tasks into the smallest step possible.

  • Examples: open curtains, take one shower, walk to the mailbox.

  • Celebrate the step — it counts.

Quick Guide 6: Self-Compassion

  • Remind yourself: “I’m not lazy, I’m fighting something heavy.”

  • Small steps are acts of strength.

  • It’s okay to rest without guilt.

How to use these:

  • Print and post them somewhere visible.

  • Save as notes on your phone for quick access.

  • Use them as “emergency tools” when depressive thoughts feel overwhelming.